92: Vanessa and Xander Marin: Your Sex Drive Isn’t Broken—You’re Just Burnt Out
Your Sex Drive Isn't Broken, You're Just Burnt Out
Sex therapist Vanessa Marin reveals why low libido isn't about hormones or broken desire, it's about burnout, mental load, and body image. Learn how to reconnect with your partner without unrealistic expectations.
Ever feel disconnected from your partner but have no idea how to fix it? You're exhausted, touched out, and intimacy has become just one more thing on your never-ending to-do list instead of a source of connection and pleasure.
Here's what nobody tells you: your sex drive probably isn't broken. You're not defective. You're just burnt the fuck out.
In this conversation, Tara sits down with Vanessa and Xander Marin, licensed sex therapist and bestselling author duo behind Sex Talks and the Pillow Talks podcast. This isn't your typical awkward sex talk. It's a refreshingly honest conversation about mismatched desire, mental load, body image struggles, and why we desperately need to normalize talking about sex more openly.
Why We Need to Talk About Sex Way More Openly
Let's start with the uncomfortable truth: most people suck at talking about sex. Even with their partners. Especially with their partners.
We're taught from a young age that sex is something private, something you shouldn't discuss openly, something that should just "happen naturally" if you're with the right person. And that silence creates so many unnecessary problems.
When you can't talk openly about sex, you can't communicate your needs, your boundaries, your desires, or your struggles. You end up assuming your partner should just know what you want (they don't). You think your experience is abnormal (it usually isn't). You suffer in silence instead of getting help.
Vanessa and Xander emphasize that normalizing conversations about sex, both in relationships and in general, is crucial for healthy intimacy. Not graphic oversharing, but honest dialogue about desire, preferences, challenges, and what's actually working or not working.
The more we talk about sex openly, the more we realize that "normal" is way more varied than we've been led to believe. And that most of the "problems" we think we have are actually incredibly common experiences that have solutions.
The 5 Conversations Every Couple Should Have About Sex
So if talking about sex is important, where do you even start? Vanessa breaks down five essential conversations every couple should have, conversations that most people never have, which is why so many relationships struggle with intimacy.
1. What you each want from sex. Not just physically, but emotionally. Do you want connection? Stress relief? Validation? Physical pleasure? Understanding each person's why helps you approach sex in a way that meets both people's needs.
2. How you initiate and respond. Who initiates? How do you prefer to be approached? What makes you feel pressured versus desired? These patterns can become sources of resentment if they're never discussed.
3. Your actual preferences. What feels good? What doesn't? What are you curious about trying? This requires vulnerability, but it's essential for satisfying sex.
4. The context that works for you. When do you feel most open to intimacy? What time of day? What circumstances? For many people (especially women), context matters as much as desire.
5. How you handle differences. Because there will be differences. Different desire levels, different preferences, different needs. Having a framework for navigating those differences prevents them from becoming deal-breakers.
The conversation emphasizes that these aren't one-time talks. They're ongoing dialogues that evolve as you and your relationship evolve. What worked in your 20s might not work in your 30s or 40s. What feels good before kids might feel completely different after kids.
The Truth About "How Often" You Should Be Having Sex
Here's the question everyone wants answered: how often should we be having sex?
The answer? There is no universal "should."
The myth of "normal" frequency creates so much unnecessary anxiety. You think you should be having sex three times a week or daily or whatever arbitrary number you've heard. And when you're not hitting that number, you think something is wrong with your relationship.
But here's what actually matters: are both people generally satisfied with your sex life? That's it. That's the metric that matters.
For some couples, that's twice a week. For others, it's once a month. For some, it varies wildly depending on what's happening in their lives. None of these are inherently "wrong."
The problem isn't frequency, it's when there's a significant mismatch in desire that's causing distress for one or both partners. And even then, the solution isn't just "have more sex." It's understanding why the mismatch exists and working together to find approaches that work for both people.
Vanessa and Xander talk about how the pressure to meet some external standard actually makes intimacy worse. When sex becomes something you're "supposed" to do to hit a quota, it stops being about connection and starts being another chore. And nobody wants to have chore sex.
Why Desire Doesn't Just Happen (And What to Focus on Instead)
This is one of the most important insights from the conversation: for most people in long-term relationships, desire doesn't just spontaneously appear. You don't just randomly feel turned on and ready to go.
That's especially true for women. Most women experience what's called "responsive desire", desire that shows up in response to pleasure and arousal, not before it. This is completely normal, but it's the opposite of how desire is portrayed in movies and media.
When you're waiting to "feel in the mood" before initiating intimacy, you might be waiting forever. Because the mood doesn't show up on its own, it shows up when you create the conditions for it.
What actually cultivates desire:
Feeling rested and not burnt out
Having mental space (not thinking about the million things on your to-do list)
Feeling connected to your partner emotionally
Having physical arousal start to build
Being in an environment where you feel safe and relaxed
This is why "scheduling sex" isn't the passion-killer people think it is. It's actually a way to create the conditions for desire to show up. You're not scheduling spontaneous desire (which doesn't exist for most people), you're scheduling time when you'll prioritize intimacy and allow desire to develop.
How Mental Load Kills Intimacy (And What to Do About It)
Here's the part that hits home for so many women: when you're carrying the mental load for your entire household, intimacy feels impossible.
Mental load isn't just about doing tasks, it's about remembering everything, planning everything, managing everything. It's knowing when the kids need their school forms turned in, when the dog needs a vet appointment, what groceries need to be bought, whose birthday is coming up, and the thousand other details that keep a household running.
And when you're the default parent, the household manager, the one who remembers everything, when you're constantly "on", there's no mental space left for desire or intimacy.
The connection between mental load and libido:
When your brain is full of to-do lists, you can't relax into pleasure. When you're constantly in "manager mode," you can't shift into "intimate partner mode." When you're touched out from kids all day, the last thing you want is more physical contact, even from your partner.
The conversation emphasizes that this isn't about shaming either partner. It's about recognizing that intimacy requires mental and emotional space, and that space is hard to find when you're drowning in responsibility.
What actually helps:
Truly equal division of mental load (not just tasks, but the thinking and planning)
Regular check-ins about who's carrying what
Time for the person carrying more load to actually decompress
Recognizing that "just relax" isn't helpful when someone is genuinely overwhelmed
This isn't sexy advice, but it's some of the most important advice for long-term relationship intimacy. You can't fix a sex life without addressing the context in which that sex life exists.
The Surprising Link Between Body Image and Your Sex Life
Body image and intimacy are deeply connected in ways that often go unaddressed. When you don't feel good in your body, intimacy feels vulnerable and scary rather than connecting and pleasurable.
For women especially, societal messaging about what bodies "should" look like creates constant anxiety. Am I too this? Not enough that? Does my partner find me attractive? These thoughts don't just affect your confidence, they actively interfere with your ability to be present during sex.
How body image affects intimacy:
You're focused on how you look instead of how you feel
You avoid positions or activities that make you feel exposed
You can't relax and enjoy pleasure because you're monitoring yourself
You feel undeserving of desire or pleasure
The conversation touches on how building physical strength through lifting can actually improve your sex life, not because of how your body looks, but because of how you feel in your body. When you feel strong, capable, and powerful, that translates into more confidence in intimate situations.
This connects directly to the Broads philosophy: train for what your body can do, not just how it looks. That shift in mindset doesn't just change your relationship with fitness, it changes your relationship with your body in every context, including intimacy.
The "Bristle Reaction" and How to Fix It
Vanessa introduces the concept of the "bristle reaction", that automatic negative response some people have when their partner initiates intimacy. Your partner touches you or suggests sex, and your immediate internal reaction is irritation, resentment, or resistance.
This reaction often develops in relationships with mismatched desire. The higher-desire partner initiates frequently. The lower-desire partner feels pressured and starts to resent the constant advances. Over time, any touch from the higher-desire partner, even non-sexual touch, starts to feel like pressure, and the lower-desire partner starts bristling at any physical contact.
It's a vicious cycle: the more one person pulls away, the more the other person pursues. The more one person pursues, the more the other person pulls away.
How to break the cycle:
Take pressure off completely for a set period of time
Reestablish non-sexual physical affection with no expectation
Have explicit conversations about initiation and consent
Work on building emotional connection outside the bedroom
The conversation emphasizes that the bristle reaction isn't a sign that the relationship is doomed. It's a sign that the current dynamic isn't working and needs to change. And with intentional effort from both partners, it can absolutely be fixed.
The Most Underrated Forms of Foreplay
Here's the final insight that ties everything together: foreplay isn't just the physical stuff that happens right before sex. Real foreplay is everything that happens to create the conditions for desire and intimacy.
Actual foreplay includes:
Your partner doing their share of household tasks without being asked
Having a genuine conversation where you both feel heard
Non-sexual physical affection throughout the day
Your partner noticing you're stressed and offering support
Feeling emotionally safe and connected
The most powerful foreplay is feeling like a valued, respected partner in an equal relationship. It's having mental space. It's feeling desired not just sexually, but as a whole person.
When couples focus only on physical technique while ignoring the emotional and contextual factors, they miss the point. Great sex doesn't happen in a vacuum, it happens when two people feel connected, safe, and present with each other.
The Bottom Line
Your sex drive probably isn't broken. Your desire isn't gone. You're just exhausted, overwhelmed, and trying to navigate intimacy in a context that doesn't support it.
The solution isn't a magic pill or a weekend getaway (though rest certainly helps). It's honest communication, shared mental load, addressing body image, and creating the actual conditions that allow desire and intimacy to flourish.
What's one thing about intimacy or desire you wish people talked about more openly? Share your thoughts with us on Instagram @broads.podcast, let's normalize these conversations together.
